Loss of a Spouse through Death or Divorce

Loss of a Spouse through
Death or Divorce

to Be Not Afraid

I got married 3 months after my high school graduation to my high school sweetheart in 1977. We had 2 beautiful daughters during our 10 1/2 year marriage. I must admit that we had our share of stresses, with my husband going through medical school, my own college classes, me working and raising 2 children, and financial problems. We rarely saw each other and when we did, it wasn't quality time. Gradually our arguments increase in number and intensity. It was just too much for me to handle.

I didn't file for divorce because I didn't love him anymore. Lack of love had nothing to do with my decision. I just couldn't cope with the negative relationship that had developed between us. I had spent 4 of the 10 years of our marriage in counselling, trying to save our relationship. I reached my breaking point, literally, and looked to what I call the two "D's": death or divorce. I was so unhappy for so many years that I couldn't take it anymore. For generations on my mother's side of the family, Catholic family values had been passed down, with no divorces in their families. My father's side of the family had very few. It was instilled in me by my parents that marriage lasts forever, till death do you part, and that spouses clung together through thick and thin. My Catholic faith runs deep, and I struggled with this major life decision. Eventually, I was devoid of emotion about it all, and looked at things rationally (or at least what I thought was rationally) and figured that divorce was "Plan A," and death could always be "Plan B."

Suicide would simply leave my children motherless, and it went against may Catholic faith even more than a divorce did. So, I opted for a divorce, thinking that I would find some relief in "Plan A."

I took my daughters and left him in November of 1987. I was determined to get my marriage annulled right away so we could both go on with our lives. He was also raised Catholic, and I knew he would appreciate being free of me and our ties to each other. The filling out of the paperwork was intensely painful, answering extremely personal questions about our relationship. At some point I gave up and just filed the paperwork away, leaving it for another day in the future when things would not be so fresh and painful. That day finally came, but it was after I had gotten remarried outside of the Church. My new husband, Austin, was also a divorced Catholic. Neither of us had bothered with the annulment process until we both realized after a couple of years that we longed to receive the Eucharist again when our children went to Communion. We wanted to be reunited with our Church family, and enter into a marriage that was blessed by the Church.

We both completed our applications for annulment, and submitted them to the local Bishop's office for review. The entire process took almost a year from the time we sent it in, until the time both of our previous marriages had been dissolved. I will never forget the joy he and I shared when we had our marriage blessed by the Church! It was December 20, 1998, three and a half years after we had gotten civilly married. Our first Holy Communion together was received at midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. I cried that night in happiness and real joy that I had actually received the best Christmas present anyone could ever get: I literally got Jesus for Christmas in the Blessed Sacrament!

One reason that I am telling my story here, is so that you will consider your own situations if you, too, have gotten divorced and/or remarried outside of the Church. The process of annulment is painful, yes, but it is well worth the joy of knowing that you can be once again reunited with the Sacraments and the Communion of Saints. The overall experience can be one of healing, not just rehashing the past and opening old wounds. Find the strength inside you, if you lost your spouse through divorce, to at least speak to your pastor for counselling. The Church offers solace to us, forgiveness for mistakes made, and hope for our spiritual futures!

If you would like to discuss your situation with me, asking prayers or advice, please feel free to email me. I will personally answer any questions you may have and offer encouragement!

See Prayers For:

Mourning Loss of Spouse Through Death
Holy Souls in Purgatory
All Souls Novena
Mother of the Faithful Departed
Deceased Loved Ones

Recommended Reading for Those Who've
Lost a Spouse through Death


			The Death of a Husband: Reflections for a Grieving Wife (Comfort After a Loss)

Recommended Reading for those Divorced

		A Catechism for Divorced Catholics	When You're Divorced and Catholic
		New Hope for Divorced Catholics	New Hope for Divorced Catholics: A Concerned Pastor Offers Alternatives to Annulment
			Catholics Experiencing Divorce: Grieving, Healing and Learning to Live Again