Personal Story of Faith: Who is Anna?

In 1995, I had some of my best times, and some of my worst. This was the year that I married my wonderful husband, Austin, and less than 6 months later I was disabled with Multiple Sclerosis. At the age of 36, I was applying for Social Security. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have such a thing happen to me.

I was surrounded by loving and caring people: my husband, my 2 lovely daughters, my parents, and siblings. I discovered who my "friends" were. There was comfort from those who really mattered most. My newlywed husband stood by my side and we all tried to deal with this together.

It wasn't until I was referred to a "peer contact" in the National Multiple Sclerosis Society---a wonderful woman named Marcy---that I began to truly comprehend what MS was. I learned what life could be like with chronic illness. It wasn't a pretty picture that was painted for me or for my family. While some of my fears were allayed, others surfaced. There is comfort in knowledge, but also a fear of the future that awaited me.

I decided after about 4 months after my diagnosis that if this is what life was going to be like, I didn't want it anymore. But I really didn't want to leave my family yet. So, I contacted a professional conventional therapist, Renee, to help me cope with my new frustrating lifestyle. Between Marcy, Renee, my family, and real friends I slowly began to accept this illness.

I was mad at God for allowing this at a time when I finally was getting my life straightened out. I was so looking forward to a happy marriage and happy family life, and then, BOOM. I was down for the count. I stopped going to Church and refused to speak to God. Whenever Marcy or anyone else brought up how faith in God could help me, I let it all go in one ear and out the other. I didn't think He cared about me one lick, so I wasn't going to care about Him any longer either.

It wasn't until the spring of 1997, however, that I had broke through the sadness and grief. It is really hard to explain how suddenly one day I felt the fog lift, and I turned back to God for help. My only explanation is that He must have been working hard on this prodigal daughter to return home to Him. I have to give Him all the credit for my final acceptance of my suffering.

I began a daily prayer time. I prayed 2 hours every night after everyone else went to bed. I have a wonderful Buddhist friend, Veronica, who told me that she tithes her time to God daily, not her money. She reminded me that Jesus Himself said to "give to Caesar what is Caesar's, give to God what is God's." And money was not of God, it was of man. My soul is what belongs to God, and I should devote my life to Him, beginning with tithing 10% of my day every day to His glory and honor.

Veronica made a lot of sense. I tried it. While I wasn't Buddhist, it felt right for a Catholic to follow this very same practice. After all, it certainly couldn't hurt. And it worked miracles in my life! I began reading stories about the lives of the saints. I read about their devotion to the Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ. I saw Him through their eyes, and soon saw my own suffering in a different light as well. I began attending Mass again. I started to feel alive for the first time in years.

I searched the internet for newsgroups and chat about Catholicism and suffering. I was introduced to the Divine Mercy Chaplet, of which I had never heard. A very giving person emailed me that if I sent her my home address, she would send me a copy of the little blue Pieta Prayer Book. We exchanged information, and I received not only a copy of the Pieta Prayer Book, but also a booklet about St. Gertrude. I was intrigued, so I read them both. I prayed the prayers in them every night. I went to my local Catholic Book and Gift Store and picked up a St. Joseph's People's Prayer Book. I started reading about Padre Pio, Theresa Neumann, and St. John of the Cross.

One night while praying the prayers of St. Gertrude that were meditations on the Passion of Christ, I began to cry uncontrollably. I realized what He had done for me. I realized that my suffering was insignificant to His. I gained some perspective on the purpose of my own suffering. I thanked St. Gertrude for this insight and thanked God for the enlightenment that night.

Since then, I have resolved to accept my suffering and even be grateful for the opportunity to serve Him in this way. I know deep inside me that my suffering has a purpose. A higher purpose. HIS purpose, and I was willing to do my part now.

Gradually, my 2 hours of daily prayer wasn't enough. I tried to go to daily Mass as well, but I haven't always been physically able to do this. I just go when I can. I no longer miss Sunday Mass unless I am really physically unable. I have read more books about Christian suffering that leave me with hope that I am serving Him in this way. The 2 hours has pretty much turned into 24 hours a day, as I go all day long thinking of Him now. I no longer focus on me or my pain and fatigue. If I notice me, I offer it immediately to Him to use however He pleases. I say my morning offering not only in the morning, but anytime I think of it. Serving Him has become my reason for living.

I have learned in the last 2 years that I now have Type II Diabetes and a heart condition to contend with. This has not made my faith waiver like it did when I first became ill with the MS years ago. I just know that somehow this all fits into God's plan for me and my life. I am currently writing a book on coping with chronic illness through faith and prayer. It is a work of love, and hopefully will be published soon! All for the greater honor and glory of God!

O Lord, take my suffering as offering to You for the reparation of sin and the salvation of souls. Take my life and purify it through Your Holy Passion so that it may be a worthy sacrifice. Apply the graces You give to whomever You feel needs them. I am Your humble servant, and Your Will is all that matters to me. I know Your Love fills my life, in spite of my everyday trials. You would never abandon me. I pray also for others who are suffering, but feel lost and alone. Be with them, Lord, and make them see that they are fulfilling a very important role in life. They share in Your Cross, and I pray that we all share in the joys of Your Resurrection. Amen.

Another beautiful arrangement of Here I Am, Lord is on the "Sanctus" album from Pauline Records. Click on the album cover to go to the Pauline Records website to listen to its music, read more about the album, or purchase it.

I belong to several webrings, all of which have the intention of being a positive contributor to the internet; and, they contain websites who support the webmasters' ideals. However, occasionally there will be a website that will sneak into a webring and subsequently change their substance to more objectionable material. If you discover one of these sites by visiting one of the webrings I have joined, I would appreciate you emailing me with the URL of the site and the name of the webring it belongs to, so that I may pursue either my association with the webring, or the other website's association. For the most part, I believe webrings are marvelous tools for assisting web-surfers in finding information about the subjects they are interested in! I hope you enjoy all these wonderful rings of love!

Subscribe to illcatholics

Powered by groups.yahoo.com